Reaching a fair financial agreement in divorce – some advice and support by Paul Gorman
Posted on October 6, 2011
At a time in one’s life of significant emotional upheaval, it can be all too easy to ignore or put to one side matters relating to money. This can be especially the case if you’ve had little or no prior involvement with the household finances.
As difficult as it can be to focus on money matters at this time, doing so as early in the divorce process as possible will actually prove to be time very well spent for both parties, initially, allowing both to gain a good understanding of the current financial position.
Knowing and appreciating the current position is the beginning. What is equally important is to also consider and put together a plan for what your financial life may look like after the divorce is complete.
By doing this as early as possible, both you and your advisors will have an understanding of your current financial situation and what your financial goals.
Employing such a strategy can go a long way in setting the foundations for getting what you need and perhaps also limiting potential conflict. It also provides important input to any mediation that might be arranged later.
Now, this may seem like a rather daunting prospect for many, but there are plenty of helpful resources available, for example, The Money Advice Service is a free resource which is funded by fees from regulated financial services firms.
It’s divorce and separation calculator allows divorcing and separating couples to easily piece together a picture of their overall wealth and allow conversations about money matters to develop and different scenarios to be considered.
You can complete financial tables of assets, liabilities, income and budgets online, and you can do this together or separately.
Results can be emailed to your mediator, who can project them onto a screen or view them on a laptop during a mediation session and go through them with both of you, with the facility to make amendments online.
The calculator allows the mediator to demonstrate different sharing scenarios, with each one capable of being printed.
So, in summary, put a plan together, carry out a thorough audit of personal income and outgoings, and think of your financial future after divorce and what it will look like.
Employ and make use of easy to use free resources to help you and your advisors.
Also, be pragmatic and recognise that the standard of living to which you were previously accustomed might no longer be possible.
» Filed Under Divorce, Uncategorized | 1 Comment
Family Mediation by Stephen G Anderson
Posted on September 26, 2011
What I love about mediation, is that there are so many different ways it can help couples who are going through relationship breakdowns. Mediation is best known as a process in which a couple is assisted by neutral mediator, usually through a series of meetings together. The mediator’s job is not to advise, but to provide information and guidance in a way which helps the couple communicate better and so help them achieve a better outcome.
However, family mediation takes many other forms, all of which are designed to cover the types of problems which the original model might struggle with. For example, it is commonly believed that mediation is not suitable where there is a real risk of abuse between the couple. Yet most mediators will have been trained to mediate by caucusing. This involves the couple being safely kept apart in separate rooms, with the mediator moving between the rooms. Phone mediation is an option for couples who want to work together but may live far apart. With video services such as Skype, the lack of eye contact, which can make phone mediation more challenging, is overcome.
While family mediators will usually prefer to work with a couple over a series of 90 minutes sessions, some mediators offer whole day mediations. This is an approach which is attractive to time-pressured professionals who have a large degree of emotional stability and good levels of communication. Co-mediation is another. This is where two mediators work together with a couple. It may be appropriate for very very complicated or high-value cases, in which case the mediators might both be lawyer-mediators. But there are many lawyer-mediators who work alongside mediators with a counselling background in cases where there are difficult underlying emotional conflicts. And I particularly enjoy mediating with financial mediators, whose background may be as an IFA, because they are able to offer a level of financial guidance which is very reassuring for couples who are facing an uncertain future.
In all of these examples, it is usual for the couple to be in the room alone with the mediator(s), but many mediators will be aware that sometimes it can help to have the couples’ lawyers in the room too. Similarly, the mediator may recommend to the couple that they might find a particular issue easier to deal with if an expert was brought in for a session or two: an accountant, surveyor or child expert, for example.
So you can see from this that mediation does not just mean one thing. It is a remarkably wide-ranging and flexible process which is actually evolving all the time. So however desperate and impossible your situation might feel to you, there may be a way which mediation will be able to help. For guidance and information, always go and see a mediator first. The mediator will listen to you and assess your needs, and they will tell you if they think mediation may be able to help you. For more information about mediation, visit http://www.resolution.org.uk . You can find out more about me at http://about.me/stephenganderson
» Filed Under Family Mediation, Uncategorized | 1 Comment
How to talk to children about Divorce
Posted on September 19, 2011
Elaine Halligan is a parenting specialist and corporate speaker with The Parent Practice and has had 8 years experience working with parents to ensure they have the skills and strategies to bring out the best in their children and ensure they survive and flourish in a post divorce world.
When adults divorce their world is in turmoil and so is their children’s! This is a time when they need to have really good parenting and parents need to know what to do and what to say to the children to ensure they survive in a post divorce world. As adults we often do and say things that can be very confusing for our children so here are some top tips of what to say to the kids to give them the support they need.
1. Let the children know:
Their mother and father were happy once together
They were born out of love
They are still very much loved by each parent
The separation has nothing to do with the children – they are not to blame
The decision to separate is definitive and the children can’t get the parents back together again
It is not the children’s responsibility to try and make things better between Mum and Dad
Mum and Dad are sad but they will take care of their own feelings – it is not for the child to worry about this
You know this will be hard for them so they can ask questions or talk to either parent or to relatives or friends or teachers.
They will have lots of different feelings – this is normal
2. Carefully chose the time to tell the children; they will need time to assimilate the news so chose a time when there are no plans for a few days so they can ask questions; confusions can be cleared up and feelings aired.
3. Tell them together wherever possible – parents need to have the conversation as calmly and rationally as possible and united in creating a new structure that will keep the children safe. If parents are so conflicted that having a conversation may cause more tension then tell them separately. If talking separately be sure to say” Mum and Dad together have decided…….”
4. Admit that you as parents no longer love each other and reassure them that both parents will always love them. It may help to say that the love that adults have for each other is not the same as the love a parent feels for a child. Just in case they think their own parents may fall out of love with them!
5. Avoid Blame – often parents will say” it is important for the child to know the truth!” Ask yourself why a child needs to know about adult matters e.g infidelity. Children need to believe in the goodness and love of each parent whose DNA they share. Children know they are one part Mum and one part Dad, therefore if one parent is vilified they take that on board and feel part bad as well. The end result is self esteem suffers
6. Don’t demonize the other parent – a child has the right to access both parents. Children often miss their fathers but are fearful of voicing it because their fear a strong negative reaction from their mother. Shared parenting or co-parenting is possible and can work well if the children are allowed to love and respect both parents.
7. Let them know how life will change and what will remain the same – address practical issues of living arrangements; when they visit Dad’s House ; holidays ;pets ; money and school etc. An involved and informed child will feel more in control of his life and will be able to cope better
8. Speak in age appropriate language – don’t speak to the children about legal matters; financial matters or sex – if there has been an affair children do not need to know any details that will disturb them and convince them there is something wrong with their parent. To include children in these conversations will scare them and confuse them. If an affair is one of the main reasons for the divorce then both parents should tell the children that one has someone else in their life and has chosen to be with them. This will take superhuman reserves of dignity on behalf of the other partner but is essential for the child to preserve a relationship with the parent who is leaving.
9. Revisit the conversation as often as necessary -children will not absorb it all in one go. May help to have some flexibility around bedtime as this may be the moment when they find it easier to talk.
Next blog on “How children respond to family break up and signs of difficulties”
Give Elaine a call for a complimentary session to see if you would like to work with her
www.theparentpractice.com
» Filed Under Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Youth Coach Liz Sorton talks about the best ways of dealing with teenagers when going through divorce and separation
Posted on September 8, 2011
As a coach that works with teenagers and being a child of divorced parents when I was 16, having been parented through a divorce and listening to what my young people clients tell me, I have a few suggestions of some hotspots to avoid:-
o When deciding time spent with each parent – don’t just suddenly expect your children to spend a whole day together if they only spend a couple of hours of week before the split, too much pressure for both sides
o Why not ask your children first and then speak to your ex-spouse and then make mutually acceptable arrangements, be careful not to say things like “it needs to be a full day otherwise I will be travelling for longer than you are there”, maybe they don’t want to be there for a whole day?
• Don’t use your children as messengers, its fine to say give Mum or Dad a call, don’t expect them to relay messages on your behalf, its not fair on them.
• Be careful not to worry them with adult issues, they are best dealt with by adults, you don’t want your children worrying about things that they can’t do anything about.
• Lead by example – Your examples become permanent images, which will shape their attitudes and actions for the rest of their life. It’s important to be responsible, consistent and loving with your teenager. This also holds true for the relationship you have with your spouse, ex spouse, your parents, and other family members and friends that are also a part of your teenager’s life.
o Own up to mistakes when you make them, and communicate open and honestly with all family members.
• It’s also important to find a relationship with your ex- spouse that works for you both. Let your teenager see you communicate in a positive and healthy manner with one another.
o You’ll soon see your teenager patterning many of his behaviors after your own. So make sure that what you say and do around your teenager will help build a strong sense of security and self esteem.
• Parents should agree on how to discipline their children. To become reliable to children, both parents must be consistent in dealing with similar situations. In a situation where the parents are separated or divorced, disagreeing with each other over upbringing can create a confusing situation for children. They should make a concerted effort to keep their child’s best interests at heart and sit down with their child and line out the rules and expectations and the consequences for violating those rules. Both should agree that the intended discipline is fair, and apply it consistently in a firm yet fair manner in each home.
• On access days, encourage them to chat about the day they have had, if a new partner’s name is brought up, don’t start putting them down or bad mouthing them, it may make your children feel guilty if they enjoyed their day
• If you feel that perhaps you may need some emotional support do some research and make some phone calls for perhaps some counselling, some support on parenting strategies for the future, or some family mediation.
Liz provides one to phone Skype, phone and face to face coaching (by arrangement in London only). A complimentary strategy session is always available for parents to find out more about what coaching is about and how it may help their personal situation.
Liz Sorton
Youth coach
www.youthcoachliz.com
» Filed Under Divorce, Uncategorized | Leave a Comment
Solicitors Journal Publication – Austin Chessell looks at FAQ on the new mediation information assessment meetings
Posted on September 5, 2011
Compulsory mediation meetings for couples came into effect from 6 April 2011 for anyone who wishes to apply for a children or financial order in the family courts. The new rules require each party to attend a mediation information assessment meeting (MIAM) with an approved mediator. Practice direction 3A, supplementing the Family Procedure Rules 2010, describes the MIAM requirements which are part of the pre-action protocol set out in those directions.
Despite mediation itself having been around for a long time, it is still early days and practitioners and clients are waking up to the impact which the change will have for clients and the courts. It remains to be seen whether MIAMs will result in an increased use of mediation as an alternative means of resolving disputes. To help practitioners understand MIAMs and the queries couples have about it, I have set out some of the questions I have been asked since 6 April.
What is a MIAM?
A MIAM is a confidential meeting between each of the divorcing spouses or separating cohabiting couples which takes place separately with a mediator who can deal with the issues and is qualified to carry out the MIAMs. It is hoped that early information and advice about mediation will help to bring down the number of court applications which do not need to be made as the parties progress to resolving their issues with the assistance of a mediator.
What happens during a MIAM?
The background circumstances are discussed, and the process of mediation in the context of the separation is explained. It then considers whether mediation would be appropriate as a means of resolving potential disputes which would otherwise need to be settled by the courts.
Will a MIAM be cheaper than the court fees?
The Legal Services Commission payment rate is currently £87 plus VAT per party for each MIAM. For privately funded MIAMs the fee is at the discretion of the mediator, but it is likely to be cheaper than the court issue fee of £200 for children applications and £240 for applications concerning family finances.
Is mediation compulsory?
No, but if you are making the application to court for children or financial matters then you will need to attend a MIAM. After the MIAM either party can opt out of the mediation process if it feels it is not appropriate to continue by mediation.
Who is not expected to attend?
The protocol expects any respondent to have attended a MIAM if invited to do so, and at the first hearing the court will ask if the parties have considered mediation. The court will take into account any failure of not complying with the protocol and can decide to refer the parties to a meeting with a mediator before the proceedings can continue further.
What form will be completed by the mediator?
If the parties wish to proceed with hearings at court rather than continue by mediation, form FM1 must be completed by the mediator. This form will need to be presented to court by instructing solicitors or the parties themselves if acting in person.
Is a MIAM compulsory for a divorce petition?
It is only compulsory for children and financial applications (unless one falls within one of the above exclusions), not for straightforward divorce applications.
Will the case be referred back to the same solicitor?
The mediator will usually refer the client back to the referring solicitor in the event that mediation is not chosen, or is commenced but is unsuccessful for any reason, or an agreement reached in mediation requires a consent order, or if the mediator recommends the parties seek legal advice on certain points.
What issues can mediation resolve?
• Separation and divorce.
• How to divide finances.
• Child contact arrangements.
• Child residence.
• Grandparents’ contact.
• Civil partnerships
• Same sex partnerships
Why mediate rather than litigate?
• In matters of child disputes, mediation helps to maintain communication and allows the couple to continue to cooperate as parents.
• Mediation reduces hostility, bitterness and misunderstanding.
• Mediation focuses on the child’s needs for parents to cooperate as much as possible.
• Mediation avoids a sense of ‘winners’ and ‘losers’ by reaching an agreed solution which will have some benefit for all.
What documents can the mediator prepare?
If an agreement is reached, it can be documented in a memorandum of understanding (MOU) if the parties so require. This covers all the issues such as what will happen to the former matrimonial home, residence and children’s contact patterns with the parents and the overall financial settlement. Summary of financial information – the disclosure of both parties is documented and signed by each party and the mediator.
Is the MOU binding?
No. If one wants the financial agreement to be made legally binding one should take the agreement to a solicitor who can then draft what has been agreed into a consent order.
» Filed Under Family Mediation, Uncategorized | 1 Comment
Austin Chessell, How to receive child maintenance through Family Mediation quickly, maintain communication with your former spouse or partner whilst also avoiding the proposed government fees ?
Posted on September 5, 2011
It was reported in the news today that new charges could come into effect to reform the child maintenance system. If the disputing couples can not resolve what maintenance should be paid it will cost a fee of £100 for those in work, £50 for people on benefits and £20 for those in acute financial need.
Even if you apply through the CSA which is a current arm of CMEC for maintenance there is £3.8 billion of child maintenance which remains unpaid. There are therefore sometimes difficulties or a long wait for the claimant receiving their maintenance after an application is made.
It is hoped that more people will attempt Family Mediation to resolve any maintenance disputes.
Another benefit of mediation is that if circumstances do change then the agreement can be reviewed with the mediator at a later date. This can help to maintain communication between the parties which is important especially if there are young children as part of the relationship.
In my experience if an agreement for maintenance is reached in mediation then a standing order by the paying spouse can be set up quickly. This could potentially be a lot quicker than waiting for CMEC to set up the payments to you on top of the work involved on each file.
Mediation can also be used to resolve the division of other financial assets of the marriage e.g. the former matrimonial home whilst also dealing with children issues such as contact and residence.
It is possible to agree maintenance in one session in mediation. If there are a lot more financial issues to consider as well as children matters there tend to be 2 – 6 joint sessions on top of the initial individual meetings.
There are cases where mediation would not be suitable e.g. if domestic violence is present or if there is a power imbalance. The mediator would screen for such situations at the initial meeting.
» Filed Under Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Navigating through Divorce Positively
Posted on September 5, 2011
Sue Atkins is an International Parenting Expert, Speaker, Broadcaster & bestselling Author of “Raising Happy Children for Dummies”. She regularly appears on BBC Breakfast and BBC Radio 2’s The Jeremy Vine Show.
A bad marriage can make parenting and life in general stressful. The loss of the family structure can be very upsetting and distressing for everyone involved in the major change.
Despite divorce being on the increase around the world, parents often feel at a loss when searching for practical support. They also feel overwhelmed, confused, afraid, resentful, or completely frozen in panic about how to handle the changes in their family’s way of life.
Sometimes this fear manifests itself as animosity, which turns the whole divorce process into a battle, with children trapped in the middle and feeling powerless.
Remember: Divorce needn’t be like this. Parents can make positive, healthy choices during this very emotional time and make the transition less painful for everyone.
Positive Parent – Confident Kids Tip
Divorce isn’t about winners and losers. It’s about working out a way to handle the separation with dignity and compassion and minimising the disruption to your children emotionally. So let’s look at some of the numerous approaches and strategies for making the experience of divorce as positive and healthy as possible.
Presenting a united front: Telling the kids
I’ve worked with many parents going through divorce and one of the main worries is how to tell their children about what is going to happen and what to actually say to them.
Children naturally fear that they’ll lose one of their parents in divorce or that their parents will abandon them. They also fear the changes and disruptions that divorce inevitably brings to their family. Children often blame themselves.
When a marriage becomes troubled, a couple often relies on old habits of interacting, which lead to fights rather than solutions. If those old habits didn’t lead to constructive solutions during the marriage, they’ll surely reap no better results during the divorce.
Bitter fights in the divorce courts often stem from these old ways of handling differences.
You may not have been a united front while married, but you and your partner must take this opportunity for the good of your children to work together.
Here are a couple of the various activities I lead parents through to help them and their children cope with divorce.
The Critical Question
One of the key things I ask parents to do is to sit down and work out together the answer to this critical question:
• What are the key messages you want to convey to your children?
Think about the way you want to handle their insecurity, their need to express their feelings and their questions.
You need to consider their need for security – their need to know and feel reassured that you will both still always be their parents and be there to support, nurture, guide and love them
They need the opportunity to express themselves and their feelings in whatever way they feel able. This could be anything from extreme anger to complete silence, denial, bravado or pleading and you need to be prepared to accept whatever comes up and reassure them.
You will need to weigh up whether you tell each child on their own, or all together or a combination. You need to make a joint decision as to which way both of you feel will be the best for your children and for you as their parents.
If you can manage to speak to them together, this will give an opportunity for them to see that you are not blaming each other and that they don’t have to take sides and that you are both still there for them.
Think about your own emotions.
Will you be able to talk to your children without getting into further conflict between the two of you?
If you feel that you can then try to think through together the sort of questions your children will be likely to ask. Questions like “Will we still see you and spend time with you? Who will take us to football training?” “Who will we live with and where will we live?” “Will we have to change school?” “Will we still see Grandma?”
• How will you answer them?
• How you will explain that at the moment you don’t have all the answers but still reassure them that you will have more clarity and answers soon and they don’t need to worry?
Visualise and daydream how it will go in your imagination in great detail often, like when you are driving or when you are walking the dog or having a coffee break – as you are preparing yourself mentally for success. See where you will be sitting, how your will be talking, what you will be saying and how you want to appear to your children.
From your child’s perspective
Here’s an exercise I do on my Parenting Made Easy Divorce Workshop.
I ask parents to place a piece of paper on the floor and to write their child’s name on it (do this for each of your children), step onto it, and imagine you’re looking at the situation from the eyes of your child. I then ask them to answer the following questions as if they were actually standing in the shoes and socks of their child:
• What do you see and hear around you at the moment?
• How do you feel?
• How could Mum and Dad make you feel better? What could they do or say?
Reassurances and guarantees
I ask the parents to write seven reassurances and guarantees that they can honestly give to their child. The reassurances and guarantees are things that will help their child cope with the enormous changes that are coming.
Be honest – don’t hedge around the difficulties, don’t give false promises that you can’t keep as you destroy their confidence and belief in you at a critical time in your relationship. Give them information but not too much – give them details of the things in the not too distant future that you have decided. Give them specific details but don’t overwhelm them with information and make the information relevant to their age and understanding.
Working together
I also help divorcing parents develop some co-parenting strategies. For example, we:
• Plan and agree on what both parents will say before they talk to their children. This helps to avoid mixed messages, which can confuse and really distress children.
• Look at the benefits of telling the children together or individually.
• Work on overcoming the ‘blame’ mentality and the feeling that the divorce must be someone’s fault.
• Look for ways to avoid making children feel that they must take sides.
• Try to take the emotional charge out of telling the children.
• Help each parent gain more control over his or her distressing feelings and emotions during this difficult moment.
Remember Divorce changes but it does not end a family. Your children are now members of two families.
Managing your emotions
Like most things in life, divorce is a process not an event. How you view the process is very important. If you see divorce as a negative, painful, angry, aggressive, guilt-laden time, then it will be exactly that. If you see it as a major life crisis that can be handled in a positive way with dignity and a step towards a new life with new opportunities, then it will be so.
If you appear calm and in control most of the time, your children feel more secure. Be realistic and honest with your children, but also find a safe outlet for you to let off steam, cry, rant, and vent your frustrations just don’t do it in front of your children.
You are a role model and how you handle this major event is a blueprint for how they handle stressful situations in their lives.
Remember You are teaching your children respect, dignity, and compassion in stressful situations. They haven’t fallen out of love with the other parent, you have.
Ending your marriage isn’t just a legal matter; you must also work through numerous personal stages and may go through many emotional hurdles as you progress through a divorce.
Honesty is the key
Getting your child to talk openly about a divorce or separation is rarely easy. As a parent, you must create opportunities to find time to hear about how your child feels. Children have their own views about what is happening to them, and bottling up their feelings may cause problems in the future. Their moodiness and angry outbursts may be cries to be heard.
Find some quiet, uninterrupted time to talk through your child’s feelings and explain, in terms appropriate to his age and maturity, what is actually happening. Keeping children in the picture helps them feel secure and safe.
Don’t hide the truth from your child because you feel you should protect him. When children feel they don’t matter, they start to imagine the worst. They often then start to blame themselves for what’s happening.
I remember one year when I was teaching a group of 8 to 9 years olds, five families in my class were going through divorce. I set up with my colleague Val Weir, a trained counsellor, a ‘Drop in and Chat’ facility where kids could call into my classroom at break time or lunch time to just talk about their feelings, air their concerns, and feel heard. I remember one little girl saying she felt no one was listening to her at home and she felt invisible.
The drop in and chat took many different forms: Sometimes children drew pictures of how they felt; other times they played with clay and talked if they felt like it about the changes going on in their lives; some just talked or cried but felt released from tension.
Grief and sorrow
Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, a pioneer in the hospice movement, first described the five stages of grieving more than three decades ago. Although her work is often applied to the handling of death and dying, her stages can serve as a good map for recovering from a major trauma such as divorce. Kübler-Ross’s stages can be described as follows:
• Denial: ‘This divorce isn’t happening to me. It’s all a misunderstanding. It’s just a midlife crisis. We can work it out.’
• Anger and resentment: ‘How can he/she do this to me? What did I ever do to deserve this? This is not fair!’
• Bargaining: ‘If you’ll stay, I’ll change’ or ‘If I agree to do it [money, childrearing, sex, whatever] your way, can we get back together?’
• Depression: ‘This is really happening. I can’t do anything about it. I don’t think I can bear it.’
• Acceptance: ‘Okay, this is how it is. I’d rather accept it and move on than wallow in the past.’
When you’re in the early stages of the grief and recovery process, thinking clearly and making decisions can be especially difficult.
So take a few minutes and ask yourself:
• ‘Where am I now emotionally?’
Understanding and identifying these stages can be very helpful when you’re talking about divorce and deciding how to nurture your children through this difficult time. Identifying your present stage of grief and being aware of it is an important step toward ensuring that you make the best choices you can.
Handling change is often the way we perceive it. Changes that matter most are often just a small or slight change in your perception of things. So while going through a divorce is a major change it needn’t be. If you believe and expect change to take a long time, be painful and be extremely difficult. It will be.
I’m not underestimating the often very difficult emotions involved in any form of change, but I passionately believe that change can be handled easily if you develop some strategies and some ways to perceive it.
If you start to take care of your emotions and start to change your attitude, things get much easier and things start to improve as if by magic.
In life you get what you focus on, so if you learn was to relax, stay centred and positive and filter the experience in a generally positive manner, the whole experience will be better and your children will pick up on your attitude and approach to the changes happening in a far more positive and healthy way.
» Filed Under Family Mediation, Uncategorized | 3 Comments
Tips for Staying Healthy Through Divorce and Separation
Posted on August 12, 2011
Tips for Staying Healthy Through Divorce and Separation
Divorce and separation is a very difficult time. It’s important to take good care of yourself to help keep stress levels to a minimum. This in turn helps give you the energy reserves to deal with the changes in your life as well as the legal case.
Here are my top tips for staying healthy:
Get plenty of sleep – Emotional stress is exhausting and you may need more sleep at the moment. It’s a good idea to also rest during the day when possible. Just a 20mins power nap or lie down can do wonders to re-energise you for the rest of the day.
Relaxation – It’s important to take time to relax both mind and body. Massage is very good for releasing tension in the body and relaxation techniques such as meditation help slow down the chatterbox in our minds.
Eat Healthily – Whilst sugary treats and alcohol may seem appealing to help us feel better at stressful times, sugar and alcohol in fact worsen anxiety levels in the body and can lower mood. Look after yourself by being kind to your body with healthy food. The odd treats are fine but be careful not to rely on them.
Exercise – This may be the last thing on your mind at the moment but it’s a great release for pent up frustration and anger. It also boosts mood. It doesn’t have to involve a heavy work-out; walking in the fresh air every day really helps.
Give yourself time off – Easier said than done, I know, to decide not to think about the divorce. But try to compartmentalise a little so you give yourself time and space to do/think about something else. It will help you feel fresher for dealing with the divorce. Keep doing things you enjoy where possible, to keep some normality in your life.
Get Support – Don’t try and do it alone. During divorce and separation, many people feel very lonely and isolated. Choose trusted friends or relatives to confide in how you are feeling and let them support you. Don’t be a martyr; let your nearest and dearest show you how much they care.
Choose carefully who you decide to confide in – Whilst getting support from those around you is really important, try to keep your confidantes to a select number of people. Our friends and family have the best intentions but you may not always want to hear their opinions and suggestions when you are already feeling very vulnerable. The more people you talk to about the divorce the more you open yourself up for receiving well- meant but possibly unhelpful comments. Choose “Team Sarah/Penny etc.” carefully. Many people prefer to confide in professionals like divorce coaches or counsellors where there is no judgement; it’s all about support.
Be kind to yourself – This is always the homework I give my clients! Do not be too hard on yourself. Whatever your personal circumstances which brought about the separation, remember you did not ask to be in an unhappy marriage with the turmoil and emotional stress involved. Take good care of yourself and spend time with people who love you and make you feel good.
Put the children first – Try to keep things as normal as possible for the children by keeping to their regular routine. Avoid arguments between you and your spouse in front of the children. DON’T talk to your children about your frustrations with your ex -spouse, the mediation sessions or the legal case. It’s not fair on them. As parents, there are naturally feelings of guilt associated with protecting the children through the divorce. Put the children first when making decisions that affect them. Your feelings of guilt will lessen when you know you are doing the best for them. You will end up with happier children who are more likely to come out unscathed by Mum and Dad’s divorce.
Make strong informed decisions – Don’t rush to make big decisions you are unsure about. Emotions may be running high and you desperately want this uncomfortable time in your life to be over. Making rash decisions is not helpful. Use Family mediation, your solicitor, “Team Sarah/Penny etc.” and your divorce coach or counsellor, to talk through the consequences of the different options available to you. It’s important to make the right decisions for you and your children’s futures. Use your head not your heart when making decisions that could affect you long term. You’ll feel more confident and empowered, when you know you have made strong decisions.
©Rhiannon Ford
Divorce Consultancy 2011
» Filed Under Divorce Tips | 7 Comments
To Avoid Your Child Worrying About Money Following Parental Split
Posted on July 27, 2011
When parents split up there can be lots of worries going on in a child’s mind. There are the obvious ones of where are they going to live and when can they see mum/dad? A hidden worry that a child won’t broach with their parents is money. Despite not talking about it, they are worried! How will mum and dad be able to support themselves when they are living apart – mum may not currently work so how will she pay for rent, food, school trips or why has dad got more money than mum and can’t he just give her some more so she can find a nice place to live?
Not easy questions to answer but here’s a few ideas of what you can:
Give them the reassurance that there is always enough money for the basics. There may not be surplus or luxuries but the most important thing is that you get to spend time with each other and that is invaluable and priceless.
Explain that when you lived together the money that was coming into the house was for the mortgage, bills, food and doing nice things for all of you. Now the money is split between mum and dad it means that one or both of you have to move to a smaller place to live. It is impossible with the same money to have two same properties.
Explain it is a new situation for both parents and that mum/dad will be looking for work to be able to pay for the necessities.
Tell them about the things that money has to go on so that they understand the reason why you aren’t doing something fabulous all the time. For example you may need to pay for work done on your car and that costs!
Let them do chores for other people like car washing or a paper round if they want to earn their own money for things they really want but know are luxuries.
If they want to help let them but whenever you can make sure they are out of earshot when you are discussing finances and do not let them see you are worried. They will pick up on your emotions.
What can you do to stop your child from worrying?
Naomi Richards
The Kids Coach
‘Coaching Children for Positive Change’
» Filed Under Effect of divorce on children | Leave a Comment
A New Beginning
Posted on June 30, 2011
Debbie O’Connor runs Motivating Mum, a website that provides support and advice for current or would-be Businessmums (and dads). She is a self-professed computer and gadget geek and loves to help people get to grips with technology.
A New Beginning
So it’s over – the split is final and you are left with your half of what used to be your relationship. Now instead of two adults sharing the roles of childminder, homemaker and breadwinner there is just you to manage all of it. Not just that, but you may have lost your closest confidante (not in all cases I know) and you could also have lost a fair few of your other friends and contacts, especially if you have moved away from the old family home.
A chapter of your life has ended. For some people this could be seen as a daunting and depressing prospect, but for others it marks the beginning of something new, full of opportunity to get out into the world again and live life on your terms. You need to find something just for you – something that will give you passion and bring your sparkle back.
For many this new beginning comes in the form of a new business venture. Some people choose this option because they need to earn some money after a split, and some just because they want to have something to call their own, something to define themselves by, a reason to get up in the morning, and to go out and network with people again. In some cases full-time work is not possible because of childcare or other commitments, so a part time business, run from home is the only sensible option.
I attend a lot of mums’ networking meetings, and I am always amazed at the scope and variety of small business ventures. There really does seem to be a home based business to suit everyone, no matter what your skills, experience, time or available funds.
At one end of the scale you can buy into a party plan or distributorship business for a very small sum, and build your own business following an established template, with plenty of guidance and support. At the other end I have met mums who have invented products because they couldn’t buy them in the shops, and taken them to market single-handedly, making themselves a small fortune in the process. There are mums going freelance in the disciplines that they used to work in, and mums who have retrained in other skills. There are mums who make a living through blogging, and mums like me, who run a business training and counselling other mums about their career choices. Whatever you can think of, I bet there’s a mum doing it somewhere, and if not, then you could….
The benefits of working for yourself are immense:
- You can work around your children’s arrangements – hours to suit yourself
- You can take holidays, sick days etc. whenever you need to.
- You can get an enormous sense of pride and self esteem from starting and growing something yourself.
- You will discover skills and talents that you may not have realised you have
- You are forced to go out and connect with people
- You can earn some money for yourself and set your own terms and conditions.
- When somebody asks you “What do you do?” you can answer them with something positive
Of course I am not saying that running a home business is without risks and it is not for everyone. I fully appreciate that for some people it is necessary to work full-time and bring home a salary in order to balance the books. Many home businesses do not produce a full-time salary, especially at first, and many do not succeed. You need to set your expectations realistically, choose your business carefully, and be careful how much time and money you invest. But the benefits of being your own boss, are much more than financial, and if you have the possibility of exploring the options, you can find fulfilment and a new purpose to your life. I know I did…
If you are considering starting your own business following a divorce, I would recommend the following steps.
- Attend networking groups aimed at women in business. There are lots of these – you can often take your pre-school children, you can meet other business mums and get lots of advice and inspiration. If there isn’t a group where you live then start one.
- Get online and join some of the online business groups – talk to people online. Join facebook, twitter and linked in and run your ideas past some other people before you commit yourself. Get someone to show you how to do this if you don’t know already – computer skills are essential in today’s world
- Buy books and go on training courses – get yourself familiar with business in general and the specific business you fancy trying before you take the plunge and invest
- Talk over your ideas with a business mentor – get help and support and someone to bounce ideas off at every step along the way.
- If you do not have some business skills, accounting, marketing , IT – then hire yourself an expert to help you in those fields while you concentrate on your strengths
- Do not invest money in any business venture unless you can afford to lose that money. Start small if need be – do not stretch yourself at first.
Whatever you decide to do with the next chapter in your life, do it with your head held high, with passion and pride. I wish you the very best of luck in your journey and if I can help you along the way, then please call me.
Motivating Mum provides
- child-friendly business networking events and training workshops,
- affordable business mentoring with successful businessmums
- a business mums forum for asking questions and sharing ideas
- information and useful advice to get your business off to a flying start
- Books, Training and Resources
- a monthly newsletter and a Daily Dose of Motivation
In addition to that, Debbie is also available for one to one coaching or training of small groups. She will gladly help you decide which business would suit you, and will also assist with setting up your business, and training you in the areas of online marketing, social media such as Facebook or Twitter, blogging, or anything else business or technology-related. If she can’t help you she will find somebody that can. Contact Debbie to set up a chat or coaching session.
» Filed Under Family Mediation | 1 Comment