Difficulty with Decision –Making: Another Symptom of Divorce
Posted on May 3, 2012
There is a scientific reason why you may be finding decision -making so difficult.
Dr Roy Baumeister tells us that “decision- making is a physiological process, directly affected by how rested we are, how much glucose we have in our system and how many other decisions we have already made.” Making choices, he says “requires mental energy or “will power”, which gets gradually depleted with every choice. The result is “decisions fatigue” which stops us making a decision at all”.
When we are stressed, our ability to make decisions is challenged. Long term stress can make it impossible to make decisions.
When you are going through divorce, you are faced with many life changing decisions. The decisions you face are most probably involuntarily, (no one asks to be in an unhappy relationship and then having to deal with the consequences of a separation) and are mixed up with a great deal of emotion.
Why I believe decision- making is so difficult in divorce:
1. You don’t want to make the decisions you are faced with. You don’t want to be in this situation to begin with. Psychologist Sue Firth says “when anxious, your adrenalin rises up, which shuts down the rational, decision making part of your brain. It’s a vicious circle. The more our brains shut down, the more we cannot make up our minds”.
2. Emotions are running high. There may be panic about making the wrong decision and being faced with making decisions that will change your life. Psychologist, Sue Firth and Dr Rob Yeung say that “when it comes to life changing decisions, it’s not only choice, but fear of the finality of the outcome that can cause mental paralysis”. Sue Firth goes on to say “The more permanent the outcome of the decision, or so we perceive it to be, the more our confidence levels are challenged. “
3. You’ve made so many (uncomfortable) decisions that your brain just can’t take it anymore. You feel stuck, unable to make the even the smallest decision. It’s as if you are completely empty of decision-making energy/fuel. Bridget Harrison describes a “vortex of indecision” when making a decision- big- or small- seems so impossible that your feel sick and panic-stricken, like you’ll never work out your best option.”
Please don’t worry. There is a way out of this. I come across these situations time and again with my clients. I totally understand the challenging decisions you face and I have a wealth of experience in dealing with this. I am here to provide support and guidance to help you navigate through this difficult time.
If you or someone you know can relate to anything in this article, please get in touch with me at Rhiannon Ford Divorce Consultancy to find out how I can help you. www.rhiannonford.co.uk
©Rhiannon Ford 2012
» Filed Under Changes through divorce and seperation, Dealing with Financial changes, Divorce, Divorce Tips, Surviving Divorce, Tips on dealing with separation and Divorce, Tools helping you through seperation / divorce | Leave a Comment
The Hundreds Of Questions
Posted on April 18, 2012
Your child is going to have hundreds of questions about what you and daddy are going to do now you don’t want to live together.
Full of emotion and probably feeling irrational -¬‐ them not you -¬‐ is not really going to be the best time to discuss with them the full details of the separation. When they have managed to understand what you are telling them you will need to find a time best for both of you to discuss all the questions that they will have. Ask them, ‘When is the best time for you?’ as they know best when they want to talk about this issue. Their main concerns are going to based around them, ‘What is going to happen to me and my life?’ They may not be thinking about the logistics of mum and dad not being under the same roof and find it hard to imagine what that is going to be like.
You need to be honest with them and tell them in simple terms what is going to happen over the course of the next few weeks and months. You will also need to get them to understand the process to a degree and when they will be spending time with mum and time with dad. Before your discussion/meeting you could ask them to write down all the questions they want to ask you so that their emotions don’t blur out the issues they are concerned with. Otherwise your discussion will end up with your child still not knowing what is going to happen.
Your children’s list will probably look something like this:
• Where am I going to live?
• What will happen to school – they will be concerned about if they will attend the same
school and still see their friends
• Will I still be able to have independence?
• Where am I going to keep my clothes/stuff – will there be enough room at dads/mums
• How will I get to the other parents place when it’s my turn to visit
• Will I be able to change these days?
• What will I do when I am away from my more permanent place of residence and I am
away from friends those days
• How and when can I speak to other parent
• Will I still get to go to my after school activities
You will not be able to address them all at once and explain that you are here to help and will try to make their life as easy as possible without too much disruption but it will not always be possible that everything will stay the same for ever.
Naomi Richards
The Kids Coach
The UK’s Life Coach For Children
‘Coaching Children for Positive Change’
Email: Naomi@thekidscoach.org.uk
Web: www.thekidscoach.org.uk
Twitter: @thekidscoach
» Filed Under Changes through divorce and seperation, Children in Divorce, Divorce Tips, Effect of divorce on children, Helping children through divorce & seperation, Surviving Divorce, Tips on dealing with children, Tips on dealing with separation and Divorce, Tips on parenting, Tools helping you through seperation / divorce | 1 Comment
Stepfamilies and How to Survive Them
Posted on March 24, 2012
The difference between step families and our own children is that we don’t set out to have them. They come as a package with our new partner. They are born out of divorce, and, after being part of an often heart wrenching transition, they are thrust into the bosom of their parent’s ‘new love’ (and the ‘new love’s’ offspring) which they are inevitably expected to adjust to. Fortunately most stepchildren are able to accept their new ‘family’ situation and most challenges are ironed out. However it takes open discussions, a great deal of planning, positive attitudes, mutual respect and lashings of patience on the part of the adults to make it work.
The Emotional Divorce
Whilst the parents may have legally divorced, emotionally there may still be unresolved feelings of anger and hurt. This means there is potential for an ex-wife or husband to stir up trouble. This is really difficult for the children who may want to be loyal to both camps, but feel guilty when they leave mum to stay with dad or vice versa.
That’s why it’s vital for a divorcing couple to learn how to ‘divorce emotionally’. This takes time, understanding and skill. As an experienced Divorce Coach and Mediator, I help couples ‘complete’ their marriages by giving them the exact skills and strategies that will allow them to move forward with their lives free from blame and guilt. Of course, if you want to remain bitter and angry, you can do so for as long as you wish. All you have to do is hold on to how right you are and how wrong your ex is. However you will not move on and you will make it hard for your kids. Kids don’t divorce, parents do. This is not their choice and whilst a ‘snide’ comment may feel fabulous at the time, the fall out usually lands on the children.
Are you ready for your Brady Bunch?
So you have chosen your new partner and the deal is, you get their kids to combine with your own. The first job now is for couples to discuss the following:
• The role each step parent will play in bringing up their respective children.
• The household rules
• The children’s behaviour, how it might impact the whole family and who is allowed to say and do what.
• Time for themselves as a couple (which we will look at later)
I have coached many newly ‘blended’ families and the vital key to making this work is communication. Being able to talk to your new partner openly and agreeing together how you would like to raise you new ‘family’ is a skill by itself. If ‘dad’ insists that ‘mum’ is not allowed to comment on anything their ‘own’ child does or says, alarm bells should ring. You must be able to speak out when a child’s behaviour impacts you. Of course you need to know the most effective way of doing this so that you keep the relationship in tact. But these are skills that can easily be learned.
Building Bonds Takes Time
Each of ‘your children’ has their own personality and will have different needs, interests and ways of reacting. You will, given time, learn to respond differently to all of them but they will all need to be treated with respect, interest and at the very least, an intention to love them.
Some of the feelings that children of all ages experience are feelings of loyalty to one parent (or even you) which could mean disloyalty to the other. They may feel rejected by one parent but feel resentment towards you for replacing the other parent. They may experience jealousy at having to share their parent with you and your kids. Perhaps they feel insecure, because life as they knew it has crumbled around them and they have no power to do anything about it. It follows that there may also be the sad feelings of disappointment as it hits them that their parents will never be together again. This is not by any means a comprehensive list, but you can see what you are taking on, can’t you. Does this sound like something which will fall into place over night? Probably not. This is going to take courage, patience and commitment.
If it seems like your partner’s children are rejecting you or purposely making your life difficult, please don’t give up. It will be because they are reacting to a situation they just don’t like and have no control over. Don’t take it personally because it will eat you up. It’s not about you per se. They would behave like this with anyone their parent lived with. Get out of your own way and find new ways of building your relationship with each of them. Be available for them. Ask for help from other family members that they respect and always refrain from saying anything that is not positive about their absent parent.
What if it’s never enough?
Having said all that, you cannot allow yourself to give until you are drained. There must be boundaries that the children learn to respect. This especially applies with older children and adult children. If you become a pushover in your earnest effort to build a relationship, they will push you until you really lose the plot. At which point some children will be quick to point out that ‘they knew you were like that’ or tell you in no uncertain terms not to speak to them like that because ‘you are not my mum/dad’. It really is a fragile line and might remain that way for a long time. Even if a child has a loving home with you, it could be that he or she is terribly hurt that it simply is not that way with the other parent. However much love you offer or however generous you are, it might never be enough especially if it shows up clearly what they cannot have from the other parent.
Never, Ever ‘Collude’
There is a word I use a lot with my clients and its ‘collusion’. To explain what I mean I use an extreme example of ‘collusion’ by asking the question “why do some men and women beat their spouses”? Most people give me reasons like, ‘they want to be in control’ or ‘they need to exert their power’. Well, maybe. But the bottom line is that they beat their spouses – BECAUSE THEY CAN. If you keep beating me and beating me and one day you come home and I am not there, can you continue to beat me? Of course not. To a much lesser extent (I hope), you cannot allow your step children to ‘beat’ you in any way. If they are behaving in a way that impacts you, unless you stop it immediately you are virtually giving them your full permission to continue with their behaviour. You are, perhaps, silently telling them that it’s ok for them to treat you this way. And, if you carry on being giving and loving in an attempt to placate them, you are virtually rewarding them for their unacceptable behaviour. Do not under any circumstances collude. Notice that you are doing this and address the behaviour immediately with your partner as well as the child in question.
Does Age and Gender matter?
Well, yes it does when it comes to understanding the behavioural issues of each child.
Statistics show that children under 10 accept their new family more easily. They are still in need of hands on love, routine and stability. They may exhibit jealously if they think their parent loves their new partner more than they love them;,so bear this in mind. Kissing your partner on the settee is ok for the under 10’s as long as the children get hugs and kisses in the same measure.
Children aged 10-14 are a little more challenging. They understand more and have their own opinions. They are often very sensitive. This is a tricky time for girls hormonally and boys too. So all of this is added to the mix. Keep open communication, always explain your actions. A good ‘because’ will a generally create buy in. For example “we are going to turn the TV off now because it will give us a chance to talk to each other while we have our meal” is a fair enough ‘because’. However, “‘because’ I say so”, is just not good enough. These kids are astute. Be honest and clear at all times.
15 plus children are much more independent so you won’t be wiping noses or tucking them in. However they are not so keen on open displays of affection between the two of you. This is a time for them to discover their own sexuality. Seeing you being overtly ‘touchy feely’ in the home or in public will probably evoke comments like ‘gross’ and ‘sick’ to use their current phraseology. So you’ll need to respect this so you can respect them. This age group can either be the easiest of the three groups or exactly the opposite. They should be labelled ‘handle with care’ to give you some idea of the eggshells you could be treading on. Once again though, do not collude. These guys need boundaries every bit as much as their younger counterparts. Make rules that make sense and invite them to participate in family events whilst not being offended if they say no. They’ll still appreciate the invite.
Girls and Boys
Girls and boys in blended families really appreciate verbal affection in the form of praise, acknowledgement and compliments. Girls are usually uncomfortable with physical displays of affection from their stepfathers. Boys, on the other hand, often accept a stepfather more easily than girls. Be kind and communicate warmth and allow the trust to grow because this will help you create the bonds for the future.
Is this more than I can handle?
It may be that the transition into a step family is creating serious issues for a child that it’s just not possible for you or your partner to handle. If this is the case know your limits. Professional help is never far away. Consult your family doctor, perhaps get a psychological evaluation, but don’t struggle alone. Don’t think a major problem will just go away. It may escalate. You know your children and you’ll notice the signs when something is seriously wrong. You cannot always heal the hurts of the past for your ‘children’ with a hug. Sometimes the sadness is so deep it needs special help. Don’t hesitate to ask for it.
How to have a happy family
Still with me? Great because I know I’ve given you some worst case scenarios. I just don’t want you to go into this thinking that happy families just happen. You now know it takes commitment, persistence, strength of character, courage and the intention to love.
The good news is that there are thousands and thousands of very happy step families out there and yours can be one of them.
Stay realistic about what’s possible. Take it one step at a time and don’t rush the process. Contrary to the opinions of our gloom and doom press, children of divorce are not damaged forever. Yes it may shape their attitudes and sometimes their beliefs but everything that happens to us from the cradle onwards does that. Don’t be riddled with a guilt that stifles your happiness. You all deserve to be happy. Stay optimistic. Have the intention of helping the children make the transition between one home and another. Try not to have an in-depth discussion with the children if you are:
• Upset
• Angry
• Feeling detached
• Having a bad day
• Too tired
But don’t be too hard on yourself. You are always doing your best at any given moment.
Make Your Marriage Work
Finally, and this is probably the most important priority of all, make your marriage work.
Let’s face it, the last one bit the dust. For whatever reason it didn’t work out. This one will be different – if you are. Make time alone together. Go away together for at least one or two nights four times a year. Take a week’s holiday at least once or if possible twice, without the kids. Go out to dinner or for a drink just the two of you. Plan in advance and make the necessary arrangements to be sure that this happens. Always have a ‘Plan B’ in place. Don’t spend all this alone time talking about the kids either. Take the time to catch up with each other, discuss your feelings, your goals, and your plans. It’s vital that you don’t lose touch with each other.
If you haven’t fully worked out your old emotions or you still have some lingering ‘luggage’ from the past, make an appointment with someone like me and get some great coaching so you can get over it and get on with your life. It’s not like it’s just the two of you sailing off into the sunset. You have a crowd to live with and you are going to need to let go of your own fears and insecurities pdq if this thing is going to work.
Relationship Reminders
So just to recap, here are some reminders of the do’s and don’ts of step parenting
• Have calm open communication with your partner
• Have the same with the children
• Always apologise if you make a mistake
• Be patient
• Allow bonds to evolve slowly and naturally
• Give everyone time and space to adjust
• Don’t expect to be called ‘mum’ or ‘dad’
• Give respect and expect respect
• Create boundaries
• Do not ‘collude’
• Establish your parenting approach and apply it fairly.
• Create stability and have a ‘parents in charge’ attitude
• Agree with your partner about how to handle unexpected parenting situations
• Create a ‘this is how we do it in our family’ approach so that everyone experiences a feeling of belonging to this new group
• Spend time alone with each child to build your bond with them
• Hold family meetings where everyone gets to speak and be listened to
• Establish your new family traditions. Build your own history and memories by sharing unique ways of being together
• Always respect former partners and make sure the children have time with them
• Don’t argue in front of the kids. This is exceptionally upsetting for them
• Invite your step children’s close family members to their celebrations, school plays etc
• Be kind and compassionate to yourself and know that every day you are being the best step parent you can be.
You can do this you know. You can make this work and live happily ever after. Simply see a sign around everyone’s neck that reads “MAKE ME MATTER”. See it resting there even when the opposite is screaming at you. Make each other matter and you will have your own special Brady Bunch. A great step-family can bring you immense joy and happiness as well as loads of grandchildren and very expensive Christmases! Have fun.
This Article was written by Francine Kaye, founder of The Divorce Doctor and author of the The Divorce Doctor published by Hay House. She is also Relationship Expert for The Wright Stuff, Trisha, GMTV and writes regularly for the national press as well as feature writer for Psychologies, Red, Woman and Home and many others. You can follow Francine on Facebook and Twitter and visit her website at www.francinekaye.com or email her at Francine@francinekaye.com
» Filed Under Changes through divorce and seperation, Children in Divorce, Dealing With Step Families, Divorce, Divorce Tips, Effect of divorce on children, Helping children through divorce & seperation, Relationship, Surviving Divorce, Tips on dealing with children, Tips on dealing with separation and Divorce, Tips on parenting, Tools helping you through seperation / divorce | Leave a Comment
The virtue of the unknown
Posted on March 16, 2012
One asset of the modern world is the plentiful presence of solutions and answers.
Technology, science, medicine, pharmacology, physics, just to name a few disciplines, provide people with cures and solutions to most everyday needs.
Such abundance of knowledge also provides a subtle yet un-renounceable belief; that we are on the right track to the ultimate solution, the conquering of death.
Existential thought may sound outdated in such outlook, as it proposes a fundamentally different idea. The unknown is a basic given of human life and as such it can viewed as a resource to be embraced and even enjoyed, rather than abhorred.
Learning to bear the anxiety of not-knowing may be an essential step along the steep trail up the hill of wisdom. It may even add spice to our life, if experienced as an opportunity for experimenting, gambling or, why not, the excitement of waiting for a final “whodunit” on life’s thriller movie.
The difficulty in embracing such philosophy resides perhaps in the necessity to find a suitable compromise between the basic boundaries and structures required by society and environment, and an inner awareness of human nature being mostly unable to control, predict or prevent.
Such attitude needs a good amount of humility, faith and hope, other essential tools in that uphill trail.
If you are experiencing difficulties with separation, divorce, or simply because you don’t know what is going on or how it will end, perhaps existential therapy could facilitate a deeper understanding of the situation and the world around you.
Paola Pomponi
Existential Psychotherapist
Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist
www.existential-psychotherapist.com
» Filed Under Changes through divorce and seperation, Children in Divorce, Divorce Tips, Relationship, Therapy, Tips on dealing with separation and Divorce, Tools helping you through seperation / divorce | Leave a Comment
Tips for Mother’s Day for Separated Mums and Dads
Posted on March 15, 2012
When Mum and Dad have separated, Mother’s Day can be difficult for BOTH parents.
Here are my tips for Mums and Dads:
Dads- Put aside your personal feelings for your ex. Help your youngsters to make a fuss of their mum on Mother’s Day. You may no longer be a couple but you can still acknowledge your ex is a great mum to your kids. Chances are you won’t be with them on the day, so, before Sunday, prep the kids to make a fuss of Mum with helping them to make cards, buy flowers etc. Its understandable, if you are feeling a bit sad about the thought of not being together as a family on the day. Use all the time YOU have with your kids to make new special memories with their Dad. There is also always Father’s Day to look forward to!
Mums- It’s natural to feel a bit sad about the prospect of a family tradition now being different. Try not to dwell on the past. Whilst things can’t be the same as they were, you can still have a very special day. Create new happy memories for you and the kids. Use the day to celebrate the wonderful children you have created and raised, and let them show their appreciation by spoiling you….kids’ style. You deserve it!
Mums and Dads- whilst your relationship with each other as a couple, has come to an end, you continue to be parents to your kids. It is important to put aside your personal feelings towards your ex, and ALWAYS prioritise the kids when decision making. They didn’t ask for Mum and Dad to separate and they have their own feelings to process and come to terms with. In my mind, Mother’s Day is about the kids. It is their chance to show Mum they love her. Both parents can help them to make it a special day for Mum.
Have a happy Mother’s Day everyone!
Rhiannon Ford
Divorce Consultant
Tel. 07970 231744
www.rhiannon.ford.co.uk
» Filed Under Changes through divorce and seperation, Children in Divorce, Divorce Tips, Helping children through divorce & seperation, Mother's day tips for separated Mums and Dads, Surviving Divorce | 3 Comments
Divorce: the end or the beginning?
Posted on February 7, 2012
Most people may have had the experience of those early morning dreams that so vividly make us experience a second life where rules are reversed, the gains have become losses and losses have become everyday presences.
We then wake up and for a moment we look around to reassign things their rightful place in our real life, until we are ready, reassured by this order, to start our day.
Surviving divorce can be like waking up from the early morning dream to find that reality is no better or different than that other virtual space, and to confront the fact that something has been re-arranged, if not all, and we cannot get our bearings or the meaning of what we find around us.
When this happens, it is hard to get up and go about our daily routine. This experience is disconcerting enough as it is, so what if, on top of our dismay, we also reflect upon the fact that we may be past our prime years, and the grey in our hair signals that the end of the road is getting near.
Times of major change are hard; losing one’s partner, stability, home, financial security, reputation – these are all elements that temporarily endanger the ability to survive as a fully functioning human being.
Like all bereavements, loss demands time in order to heal and to transform itself into something else. The cure in these situations is patience and an act of faith – the belief that life goes on.
When divorce hits us at midlife, the loss comes at a time of big readjustments. Midlife, like adolescence, is the moment for fundamental questions and for reorganising one’s existence accordingly to their answers.
There is opportunity in loss, for greater gain. Loss of youth as loss of marriage can open the path towards new possibilities.
This is a fertile season for new beginnings fed by one’s own experience, for bringing back all those dreams and passions that had to give way to duties and commitments.
Psychotherapy can offer support during the hardship of a divorce and a Life Review Therapy has often proven to generate a deeper evaluation and understanding of one’s potentials and the will to create a new beginning.
For supportive psychotherapy or Life Review Therapy, check my website: www.existential-psychotherapist.com
Paola Pomponi
Existential Psychotherapist
Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist
UKCP (accr.), MBACP,COSRT
www.existential-psychotherapist.com
» Filed Under Changes through divorce and seperation, Divorce, Divorce Tips, Surviving Divorce | 1 Comment
Dealing with change
Posted on February 7, 2012
Children often have difficulties coping with change. These could be everyday minor transitions such as moving from one task to another (such as packing up toys and coming to have tea) or from one environment to another (such as home to school). Or the changes they face may be much more significant such as dealing with bereavement or illness, moving house or school or the addition to the family of a new baby.
Some changes are unexpected and unwelcome and some are anticipated and (to their parents at least) positive. Whatever the change children often need help dealing with a multitude of feelings which they frequently don’t understand. Their discomfort may be reflected in withdrawn, sulky, regressive behaviours or ‘testing’ behaviour. Or they may get physical symptoms of stress such as headaches, eczema or stomach cramps.
Acknowledge feelings -To be effective and helpful to their children parents need to be able to look beyond behaviour to its causes -very often feelings of some kind – and help the child to deal with those feelings. Parents can help their children identify and manage their feelings and encourage them to express themselves through reflective listening. This results in better behaviour and a strong bond between parent and child.
Reflective listening isn’t about “making it better” or making the child’s feelings go away. Instead it is about recognising, understanding, accepting and naming the feelings the child has and making sure the child knows it is ok to have those feelings and that they are familiar to the adult. It is about encouraging the child to put his feelings into words so that parents can help him cope and so that those feelings don’t get suppressed and later emerge in behaviour or physical problems
Prepare for change -Where there is big change what is familiar and safe disappears and the future feels uncertain.
When there is loss through death or divorce a child may wonder if the rest of his life is secure. Will other loved ones go? Will other certainties disappear? When a new baby is expected or has arrived a child may wonder if he is still loved. When going to school for the first time everything is unfamiliar. Fear is the primary emotion. Since there is a lot of fear in the unknown parents can help by talking a lot about the change, helping the child understand what is happening and making it more familiar.
Some children also need help adjusting to smaller changes. They need more warning of transitions so they can get used to the idea even if it that only means giving 5 minutes warning that they will need to pack up their toys and come to tea. These children need to be told in advance if someone else is picking them up from nursery or if a parent is going away on a business trip or if granny is coming to stay or even if both parents are going out and a babysitter is looking after him. It can spectacularly backfire and result in lack of trust if parents try to ambush a child with this kind of temperament because they fear his reaction. What works is a combination of preparation and reflective listening.
How to reflectively listen:
Stop what you are doing and pay attention to your child. If they are talking convey with your body language that you are listening. Convey that you have the time and interest to listen to your child. You might sit close to him, cuddling him, maybe making eye contact if it is appropriate. Some children will find it easier to talk when they’re doing an activity alongside you or when the lighting is low. Use empathetic noises, such as ‘umm’ or ‘I see’
If they are not talking about how they feel take time to look for the feeling behind your child’s action or words and imagine how he is feeling; reflect it back to him in words. Give your child the sense that this is manageable, that it has a name, it is recognised, that you’ve had that feeling too.
Give wishes in fantasy Giving your child her wishes in fantasy shows you understand how she feels without suggesting that the fantasy is really possible.
Don’t try to make it better, children don’t need protection from feelings of sadness – they need to be able to cope with it.
Examples:
Moving house: “I think you’re worried about moving. Although you are excited about your new room you are also going to miss this house as you know it so well. It is hard to adjust to changes. When we pack everything up it might feel strange”
Changing schools: “You might be wishing you didn’t have to change schools. You feel sad about leaving your friends and teachers. Maybe you are worried you won’t know anyone and you won’t make friends quickly. You might miss your old school for a while and that is really normal. Maybe a part of you is also looking forward to making new friends and having more activities. It can be confusing when you feel two different feelings at the same time.”
New baby -Pre-baby: “Mummy is having a baby and it will be different for you. You are used to having me to yourself (or there just being you and Freddie) and it might feel strange for you to have to share me. You might feel jealous of the baby.”
Post-baby: “The way you snatched that toy from the baby shows me you might be feeling a bit jealous. He has so many new things and so much attention. Maybe you feel a bit left out. It has been hard to share mummy since he came along”.
Small transitions: “In five minutes you will need to pack up the lego and come and have your bath. I know you love your lego and you have been working on it for ages. What a wonderful house you have built! It might be hard for you to drag yourself away but that’s the kind of self control you showed yesterday when I told you it was time to leave Jamie’s house. You wanted to stay but you hardly made any fuss at all and you said thank you to Jamie’s mummy.”
“I know you sometimes feel sad when I drop you off at nursery. You wish you could stay with Mummy all day. Miss Emma tells me that sometimes you feel your ‘magic stone’ in your pocket and that helps cheer you up a bit. That’s very brave of you!”
Wishes in fantasy: “I bet you wish Spot was still here with us, wagging his tail and jumping up in excitement when you came home. Maybe you wish things never had to change.”
Set up for success;
Children, like all of us, find it easier to succeed/cope when well prepared, even if what we’re asking them to do is different or a challenge. One of the best ways to prepare for success is by talking through situations, events and changes in advance. Prepare a child well in advance for upcoming events particularly if they don’t react well to change. Don’t ambush them. Tell them as far in advance as possible and repeat often – they may react adversely but every time the reaction will be less until by the time the dreaded event comes round they will be used to the idea. Involve the child as much as possible in any solutions
Example:
“This afternoon we’re going to the doctor. I know last time we went you got a bit upset because you needed to have an injection and it hurt. Today I want the doctor to have a listen to your chest because you’ve been coughing so much and you haven’t felt well. He will listen with something called a stethoscope. You’ve got one in your doctor’s kit. He might ask you open your mouth so he can look inside and he might hold your tongue down with a special stick. We can practice using those things in a minute.
You might feel a bit nervous. People often feel that way when they don’t know what’s going on. I’ll try to explain everything to you or the doctor will. If you feel worried will you tell me or shall we have our own secret code so you can let me know? Is there something else you could do or take with you that will help you to feel comfortable?”
Starting/changing school. Prepare by:
• Talking about common concerns:
o Will the teacher like me?
o Will the other children like me?
o Will I be able to do what’s asked of me?
o How will I know what to do?
o What if I get lost?
o What if I need to go to the loo?
o I don’t like the look of the toilets.
o I don’t like the food at lunchtime.
o It is too noisy and confusing at lunchtime/sports or I don’t have anyone to play with.
o How will I remember where to put my things?
• Familiarising your child with the school. Visit or look at pictures of the new school often. See the parts that will affect your child- his classroom, the loos, the dining hall, the assembly hall, the playground. Explain unfamiliar things like bells and what they signify.
• Getting any uniform well in advance and try it on. Practice getting in and out of it.
• Role playing conversations with other children to help make friends.
Elaine Halligan
The Parent Practice
» Filed Under Children in Divorce, Effect of divorce on children, Helping children through divorce & seperation, Tips on dealing with children | 1 Comment
The Parent’s ToolKit
Posted on February 2, 2012
Naomi, The Kids Coach, has just brought out her first parenting book. Called ‘The Parents Toolkit’ it helps give your child the confidence and skills so they can be the best they can at school, home and play.
In the book she shares the key life tools she uses and teaches so that you can help your child successfully navigate childhood problems and grow up into a happy, confident and resilient young adults. As coaching is a collaborative process her tools include teaching your child positive self-talk, simple problem-solving techniques to encourage your child to arrive at the right solution to an issue, and specific advice for you as a parent to hone your own listening and coaching skills.
One of the chapters that is included in the book is separation and divorce. The issues that are raised in this chapter are based around the many questions children have about their parents separation and the circumstances that lead on from it. It gives parents a great insight as to what is going through their child’s mind, their thoughts and their feelings.
Aimed at parents with children aged 6+ and divided into the most important areas of a child’s life, ‘The Parent’s Toolkit’ is packed with real-life examples, useful hints to help you in conversations with your child and creative ideas to help solve problems.
Upbeat, insightful and incredibly practical, ‘The Parent’s Toolkit’ is essential reading for any parent wanting to give their child the best start in life.
The book can be bought from her website: http://www.thekidscoach.org.uk/the-parents-toolkit/
» Filed Under Children in Divorce, Helping children through divorce & seperation, Tips on parenting | 1 Comment
What reaction can I expect from my small children when I tell them we’re separating and in the months following?
Posted on January 10, 2012
While no child wants to hear that their parents are breaking up, children often have predictable responses when you tell them that you are separating that relate to their developmental stage. Knowing what these might be will hopefully make you more prepared for the emotional, behavioral and physical changes that will follow. Young children do not fully understand the concept of marriage and separation. They will only understand that mommy or daddy will no longer be living together. Be prepared for them to find it difficult to grasp what is happening. Try to make them understand otherwise they will be frustrated and confused.
Children under the age of 5 years old will have various reactions depending on their personality. They will either cry, pretend you never mentioned the separation, they may change the subject because they want to stop their feelings or they go back to focus on what they were doing before you started talking to them or they may show no emotion at all at the time but then leave the room to process their feelings.
Once they have been able to process some of the information you tell them they will have lots of feelings and fears about the future. The fear of abandonment is very common and is expressed in a variety of ways. Children may cling, whine and have tantrums when left at childcare. They want the security of being with their main carer and don’t want to be left. When you pick them up they may also be upset because you left them but also relieved and pleased to see you.
Children may get upset when moved between parents during access visits and will feel unsettled if their main carer changes e.g. they may have a new person looking after them if mum has to go to back to work. Being around unfamiliar people can make them tearful and anxious. Often they will struggle with a new routine and having to be moved between both parents. Some children often regress in their behaviour. They may return to the comfort of a security blanket or a toy they had outgrown or they may have a lapse in toilet training. It is not unusual for children to have disturbed sleep either. Bear with them, as it won’t be forever. These types of behaviour rarely last for more than a few weeks.
Some children may become irritable and engage more in physical activity and fighting. This is because of the hurt they feel and the anger towards the situation. Other children may become more fearful of aggression and being hurt. Children under five may become less imaginative and co-¬‐operative in their play. They may prefer to play by themselves rather than with friends and they may show a preference for adult company as being near adults makes them feel secure. They can show more anger and apathy in their play and in their interactions with peers and adults as they act out how they feel and the situation they are in e.g. when dad comes to the house to pick them up for the day.
Many children grow up emotionally together and psychologically strong even though they have had the adverse childhood experience of their parents separating. Young children do not necessarily carry their wounds through into their adult life.
If a young child’s life improves and changes, especially during the ages of two and six, the negative effects of early childhood can be reversed. Young children are likely to do just as well in school as they did before the separation.
Naomi Richards
The Kids Coach
» Filed Under Children in Divorce, Contact Matters, Effect of divorce on children, Helping children through divorce & seperation | 9 Comments
Solicitors Journal Article
Posted on January 10, 2012
Solicitors Journal Publication – Austin Chessell offers practical tips on how to resolve Christmas holiday- or other holiday contact through mediation, and considers the first prenuptial agreement case after Radmacher
Christmas contact
Christmas is fast approaching. Nurseries and schools will be closing shortly for several weeks making Christmas holiday contact one of the main issues being mediated at the moment at Family Mediation In Action (FAMIA).
Below are some of the factors and common topics that are raised and explored with our clients to reach agreement for Christmas contact between our clients and their children.
1. Telling the children. If this is the first year that the parents are separated, how will the separation be explained to the children before contact issues are resolved?
2. How old are the children? Infants and toddlers compared to teenagers are going to need different lengths and frequencies of contact that need to be considered. When the children get older should there be trigger points for reviewing the contact schedule over Christmas? e.g. after a year.
3. How would the children like contact to be over Christmas? The parents need to decide the final contact arrangements but it is important when the children are old enough to find out their views. The children can also be part of the mediation process if both parents consent to this. Everything said to the mediator will remain confidential apart from what the children want to be passed back to the parents. The welfare and wishes of the children is of central concern to the court. We try and get both parents to keep this at the forefront of their minds while mediating.
4. Other relatives. What are the grandparents’ and other relatives views for contact who may want to see their grandchildren over the Christmas period?
5. Travelling abroad. If one parent is to travel abroad, ensure that the other parent will have a telephone number or contact details so that they can have telephone or even Skype contact on Christmas day.
6. Alternate Christmas contact. A lot of families now like to spend Christmas abroad. The clients therefore are often happy to alternate who has contact with the children each year.
7. Keeping the other parent informed. The Christmas period can have a lot of festive events, religious ceremonies and activities. We try and get the parents to agree how far in advance they should communicate with each other so that if there is a clash of events a compromise can be reached.
8. Breaking the Christmas period into slots of days. Sometimes one parent has the children for contact on Christmas Eve and Boxing Day while the other parent has contact Christmas Day and other days. Or one parent has contact over Christmas and the other parent then has contact over New Year. This then rotates yearly.
9. Having Christmas together. In some mediation agreements (memorandum of understanding) we have prepared, the resident parent has wanted it documented that the non-resident parent can spend Christmas Day at the resident parent’s house so that both parents have contact with their children on Christmas Day when the presents are opened.
10. Morning and evening contact on Christmas Day. One parent has contact with the children in the morning of Christmas Day and the other parent has contact in the afternoon.
11. Shared Christmas contact. If there is a shared residence order in place and contact cannot be divided 50/50 over the festive period, it is explored whether there are other points in the year where more contact can be granted so that there is a balance of contact between both of them.
12. Good communication between parents. Is this best done by email, phone or face to face where there is an acceptance by both parents that over this busy period flexibility is needed? Good communication can also work if the parents agree to arrange a neutral point for contact handovers, agree an agenda of items in advance, looking to the future rather than to the past, and agreeing to a time limit for discussions so that everything talked about is focused.
13. Keeping the other parent informed. If there is important information that the other parent needs to know – for example new dietary needs or their general routine – write this down and keep the other parent informed so that the child’s transition is not disrupted between parents.
14. Business partnership. If communication is strained and difficult can you liaise with your former partner as you would with a work colleague? And if things do become heated find a way to calm down before continuing discussions?
15. Passport and travel. Discussions centre on giving consent for passport applications, and, if the children are travelling abroad, on consent being given for how long they agree to them being outside of the jurisdiction. If there are child abduction or relocation concerns we always recommend both parties seek legal advice from their respective solicitors.
Finally we tell both clients to make sure that they have spare batteries to hand for Figit (a robot that can dance and tell jokes), which is predicted to be the must-have Christmas toy of 2011.
Solicitor-mediator collaboration
At a recent mediation seminar in Twickenham there was a Q&A session to an expert panel at which someone asked why a mediator should be instructed instead of a solicitor. The answer given by a mediator was that mediators and solicitors should both be instructed and work together collaboratively if the situation is suitable for mediation.
Mediation has some advantages over litigation because in the mediation process communication is maintained by the clients working together in the same room, which is important where there are young children involved as both parents will need to communicate directly with each other for a long time after their separation and after the consent order has been sealed.
There is a positive energy in the room when mediating with parties both keen to shape a contact agreement that fits around their work schedules and commitments. A court order may not always reflect this. Also, in the current financial climate, clients who do not have a lot of resources do not always have the funds to litigate through several hearings.
If the matter of Christmas contact goes to court, the hearing date may be listed sometimes after several weeks by which time Christmas may have come and gone, or, if the plan was to go abroad, travel will be a lot more expensive, whereas usually mediators can see clients within a matter of days.
Solicitors obviously do have the advantage over mediators on technical legal issues as mediators cannot advise the client on his or her rights, which can be very important if there is a power imbalance between the parties, e.g. if there are child abduction or relocation concerns or if one party has a better understanding of the situation than the other.
The mediation process is also voluntary, so, if one party does decide to opt out of mediation or not attend, going to court is really the only way left to reach a resolution for a Christmas contact dispute.
Post-Radmacher prenup
At the High Court on 3 November 2011, Mr Justice Moor considered the merits of a French prenuptial agreement and delivered judgment in Z v Z (No 2) [2011] EWHC 2878 (Fam). This is thought to be the first reported post-Radmacher prenuptial agreement case.
The prenup was signed by the parties in France in 1994 in the presence of two notaries, days before the couple’s marriage in France. The agreement excluded the sharing of the couple’s wealth on separation. They moved together to live in England in August 2007.
The wife was aged 50 and the husband was 53. The marriage duration was 14 years with four years of cohabitation before the marriage. The couple had three children aged 14, 12 and nine.
In February 2008 there was a trial separation for a period of three months. The husband signed a letter to the wife before leaving in which he agreed that he would not seek to rely on the prenuptial agreement if he commenced divorce proceedings and that if he did commence legal proceedings he would agree to share the couple’s assets.
The assets in this case were valued at £15m. The wife had over £1m-worth of assets in her name while the husband was a big earner.
The wife started divorce proceedings in London in 2008. The husband contested the divorce proceedings in Paris where he challenged the jurisdiction of the High Court. Ryder J considered this issue in 2009 and ruled in favour of the wife.
At the four-day trial in October 2011, the husband put forward a case that the prenup should exclude the sharing principle and that the award to the wife should be made on a ‘needs’ basis.
The husband initially made an offer of 35 per cent of the assets to the wife, which was not accepted.
The wife argued that the prenup was not entered into freely and said that she had been induced to enter into it. She also added that she had given up her job, had children and came to the UK with her husband when the marriage was not going well.
The wife was seeking 50 per cent of the assets and argued that if her claim was to be dealt with on a ‘needs’ basis she should still receive 50 per cent, which amounted to £7.5m. The judge did not accept the wife’s arguments and upheld the prenuptial agreement. The terms of the prenup could not be varied by the husband’s letter as legal proceedings had by then been initiated by the wife. The wife was awarded 40 per cent of the assets, amounting to £6.03m, including her own assets. The award was made for the wife on a ‘needs’ basis rather than on a ‘sharing’ basis, as the sharing of the assets was not provided for in the prenup.
Income needs were assessed at £100,000 per year for the wife and £75,000 per year for the children, which were determined according to English law. The wife was awarded a lump sum of £2.28m.
Radmacher v Granatino [2010] UKSC 42 gave prenuptial agreements ‘decisive weight’ and Z v Z (No 2) does not change the current law.
In 2012, the Law Commission is due to report on whether there should be a change to the law on the recognition of prenuptial agreements.
Austin Chessell is a family mediator with Massy Ellesmere at FAMIA
» Filed Under Children in Divorce, Contact Matters | 2 Comments